Modern Media and Ancient Archetypes.

If me from the past could read this right now, I'd be inventing a time machine to come slap myself in the face.

Love is not the problem I swear! Lately I have been hearing a lot of friends saying all too familiar things about lust and loss and love, and hurting so deeply due to our learned dependency to things and people.

It crushes me knowing how many of us have felt, and will feel, that endless depth of gravitational pull into the darkness. When your chest feels like thick tarp melting your ribcage down into the pit of your stomach, and the knees crumble like dried up granola, I know it al too well. But hopefully, by learning from each other, we can begin reducing the amount of time we feel hopeless, through reason, and by loving the hell out of our fear of feeling alone.

I am very opinionated about this topic because it has taken me 27 years to even begin to understand what this loving yourself thing is all about.

I was that person, always surrounded by people, always in a relationship, or in a circular wheel of patching up my lack of internal love with the attention and false appreciation of those around me. I say false because many times, we tend to encounter people as lessons, often similar humans experiencing the same needs we feel, and so we become mirrors for each other.

Can you imagine "faking it til you make it" at lets say.. being a writer, and depending on your partner to craft your talent for you, since they are also writers, and hoping that by osmosis or inspirational combustion, or fervent sex, or spoken tales or "love" you will become a wiz of words yourself.. this might work, if the human on the other side of the reflection is actually an accomplished writer you can learn from, but if that person happens to be also "faking it until they make it" and relying on you for the same exact reasons, both parties end up in a vicious circle of frustration, sans progress.

The thing is, to be a good writer, climber, swimmer, we have to practice with our minds bodies and souls, and loving ourselves is the same thing.

We are multidimensional beings of light. We have a physical body, that needs to be loved, touched in a certain way, or respected in its boundaries in specific ways.

We have that "aura" or light, or feeling, we irradiate into the world, which needs to be strengthened and protected, expanded in infinite love and light vibrations... meditation here is basically hard core p90x, weight lifting, long distance running training for the soul.

And we have this "essence" thing that is part of the collective spirit of mother earth, the universe, and whatever else, who knows!

All I am certain of, is that the only way of being a soulful being having a human experience, and being at peace and balance while doing so, is to learn to love ourselves, and practice this daily.

On the devils advocate side here, a friend reminded me today that this whole "love yourself" thing can turn quickly into spiritual materialism, when the words are not backed up by actions. And I fully agree, we also understood together in this conversation, that if no one taught us how to begin this process of accepting oneself as we are, then it can be very difficult to imagine this concept as tangible.

Basically, if we did not grow up with a role model, an example, of a happy balanced strong self loving person, and most of us haven't, then we have nothing to follow, especially when most of our learned responses in the world are counterintuitive and work in the opposite direction of this self-accepting process.

I believe, the way I am coming to the understanding of what "loving yourself" means, is an ongoing process. I am thankful for every single person I engage with in any way, since I am able to learn from their unique ways of accepting themselves, or rejecting themselves, and observing how that impacts me, and prompts me to better myself to be kinder, and softer in this world. We are so often told to be strong, and rigid, but if the heart softens, then emotions can flow through, instead of stick to the cellular walls weighing it down.

I honestly think, as long as we are AWARE then we are there, right in the center of this whole self love experience.

I am especially thankful for those I encounter on the way who make me feel uncomfortable, these beings sometimes tend to appear rude, or mean, and are highly critical. A part of me lived 26 years of my life in this mode for the majority of the time. And even though deep down I was a loving, caring, highly sensitive being, many people never got that side of me in passing.

I believe all that time I was actively against myself, and continued to live everyday, I was making progress towards understanding my needs, and realizing I could no longer progress in with the same destructive patterns. Those days I was probably a very harsh mirror for a lot of people... you know that feeling you get when you encounter some jerk and you think "ugh I hope I never come off like that" yup.. I am on both sides of that one, often.

This should be recognized and appreciated, it should not be seen as a failure, it is simply a part of the path. I would love to say I was born with this knowledge, but I was not, and I believe most of my influences around me since childhood, are also on this journey of figuring out how it works. My family and friends are not enlightened monks, they are people I love and appreciate who have a lot to teach me, but they are also trying to navigate this soul searching thing because their parents, family, friends, from their youth, probably were not the best soul balance role models either. This is not good or bad, it just is. This is where we are, it does not matter why we are here and not 3 steps before, or 7 back. We are all NOWWHERE.. or now.here.

What my friend expressed earlier today really resonated with me. I would never want anyone to feel bad reading one of my posts because they feel looked down on, or misunderstood, or unable to self-love.

I remember feeling this way "how come I am not able to love myself, what is wrong with me" I remember feeling I did not want to actually try, as if a part of me felt comfortable in that sadness in that empty vacuum space where no explosions could happen, it can be very terrifying living our life amongst the endless energetic waves of magnetism and light, and yet, scary feelings manifest in the body in very similar ways as excitement, racing heart rate for example, yet the thinking mind is what gives these biological feelings a connotation and context, but looking retrospectively, I can see, as I mentioned in my first post, I have loved myself all along! I just also actively hated myself because I let modern media and ancient archetypes mold my views of morality and expectation.

I honestly believe we all know very well what it is to accept ourselves and each other. We do it for other people, these people we "fall in love with" or "love unconditionally" we tolerate everything they do, until we move on, learn some things about our behaviors and reactions, and on to the next heartbreak, or hopefully, the next teachable learnable moment. I have been trying to appreciate all connections for what they are, for however long they last. And practicing selfless and unattached non-needy love. All completely new to me. mind-blown. *chuckles inserted here* seriously.

I say this a lot, but I mean it, I fall in love all the time, constantly, with people I lock eyes with on the subway, with toothy smiles glowing in positivity, with momentarily broken and bruised beautiful creatures reminding me how lost and lonely I once felt. I fall in love with the grass supporting my handstands when I do yoga, and I stop to touch the barks of trees that magnetize my heart and essence, because to me we are made of the same stuff. And yes sometimes I feel lonely and sad, and those negative feeling creep up in my mind and so I chose to really feel them. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, I identify the tightness on my throat, my shoulders, my teeth, and I observe them agitate my molecules creating their own space to evaporate out of my skin.

I am learning to love my fears, really... as you would love a really good friend for feeling vulnerable after a difficult time. I have to put myself in check and remind me, to speak to myself at least, with the same care I would to another human I care deeply for. I end up laughing out loud on the train or a park mid meditation, and honestly my sadness turns into this ridiculous thing that bursts out of my vocal chords involuntarily. Before it used to be in the shape of screaming and non productive name calling, and now, it is different. And tomorrow, it will shift too.

It is a bit easier these days to feel my feelings so damn deep all through my joints into the soles of my feet. And I attribute this progress to my daily practice.

For my physical body. Yoga and hula hooping, dancing, stretching.

For my energetic vibration. Meditation.

For my true essence of love and light, the source of everything. Awareness.

You are loved! you ARE loved. YOU are loved. You are LOVED.

We have everything we need to reduce the misunderstanding and non constructive patterns we develop, we do not have to keep them. I am the first person to call people out on the kind of bullcrap these things usually sound like. If me from the past could read this right now I would be trying to invent a time machine to come slap myself in the face.

But at the end of the day, whatever this is, whatever I am doing now, and all of these people who have been teaching me to live this way, in love with life.. it is helping. It makes it easier to feel balanced, stable, happy.

Simply put. It makes me feel free.

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