Kicking the Habit, of Being a Love Hoarder, no More Begging for LOVE.

It feels so good to just be me, and not be in a relationship. for many years I have fallen under the false impression that being with someone in a romantic relationship, would enhance my life always, and while I do think love is the most important thing there is, love is completely separate from a romantic relationship.

I find so much love in myself, and in the people who surround me, friends and family, and strangers we fall in love with for a second when we make eye contact on the train. I feel the most appreciated I have ever felt, now, today, at this time in my life, "alone" "single" than ever before. thank you universe, also fuck you universe, but thank you universe.

I used to replace one relationship with another. I would have one straight up lined up, before the other one was over. This was not to cheat on someone, I cheated on my first few relationships, then I was cheated on, and then I understood I did not enjoy that process, so I stopped. However, it took me a few more years to develop a new way to cope with my emotions after a breakup.

There is a saying in spanish "un clavo saca a otro clavo" it is to the point, translates to something along the lines of "use a screw to take the other screw from the wall" many people do this, they break up and then they are on a date the next day if not the same. Out to drinks, or texting all those "windows" we left open, just in case. I was one of those people. I think this works to some extent, and I see nothing wrong with it, if it helps you get back on your steady ground, but for me, it would turn into a few flimsy flings, hoping someone would love me, and make my heart feel whole again. This clearly never worked, since the emptiness in my chest was coming from not embracing myself fully. What I really wanted, was for the judgmental part of me to love myself unconditionally, for the great progress I did at times, and for the f#*k ups as well.

For my last relationship, I decided I would give it my all, and close all those windows, I went as far as texting the few people I was more than friendly with, letting them know, I was now in a closed relationship, so to not contact me anymore. To be clear, I did this for my own morals and peace of mind, but also because my ex was very possessive and jealous, and when he broke my heart again, I felt semi silly for closing the door on some great people just because I did not want to do something stupid. I think it was residual fear, from not trusting myself in the past, but obviously, I was so in love that I would have never looked for anything else outside of that relationship.

The thing is, I was not so in love with myself, and so I was always needing reinforcement and reassuring from the other person, I wanted to call him my partner, but it never felt like a partnership. I don't think he loved himself very much either, and so how was he going to love me for me? he probably wanted me to fix his hollow heart as well. This brings me to the most important point in healing ourselves from this repetitive pattern of begging for love...

We need to practice NOT TAKING ANYTHING PERSONALLY. Nothing at all. This is the best possible thing we can do, to feel complete.

Understanding people's reactions and actions have very little to do with us at that specific moment in time, and much more with an entire life of constructed and unconsciously reinforced habits and assumptions about the world, makes life a whole lot easier.

Fun story. I went on a "hang out" the other day, it was not a date, it was one of those, "we met online because we are tired of bumping into the same circle of people thing"

We met up for tea around 4pm and then proceeded to walk around a park. The conversation was refreshingly intellectual, which was my main goal in switching up the type of people I was interacting with. After 2+ hours, I expressed my true feelings to this person saying "for every 2 hours I hang out socially, I usually need 4 solo to recharge, so I think I have arrived at that point where I go back home and write, and relax" I forget how I explained it exactly, but this was my way of really LOVING myself. Remembering my limits, and taking care of myself to avoid feeling drained, and then looking for support outside of myself.

He seemed to understand at the time, but a few hours went by, and I received a text from him saying "it was great meeting you...etc" I replied with a smiley face, as I was still in my solo re charging time.

A few minutes later, I receive another text as follows "you are a fraud, you led me on, you are not a good person" At first, this honestly hit my chest, I remember placing my hand over my heart. Then I took a deep breath, and sent him an audio message "Hey there, as I said in person many times, I enjoyed our time very much, it was great meeting you, I just need a long time to re charge after social situations, I would love to stay friends, just please treat me with the respect you are receiving, I hope you have a good night"

He did not text anymore, which I appreciated, and I spent some time remembering to not take this personally. I begun to think that perhaps his dating history and his own insecurities were coming into play here, and that it had nothing to do with me. At that point, I felt whole in my heart again, and I felt compassion, for whatever pain he was going through. I also remembered that during our "meet up" he had tried to hold my hand, and I thought this was too much, so I expressed to him my intentions were just to meet some new people, and was not looking to get into anything anytime soon.

It is easy to just blame ourselves when people tell us we have hurt them. Especially if we are empaths. But we must be empathetic to ourselves too. Taking the blame the world instills in us, is not the best way to be productive in generating more love to share. I think if we can practice to not take things people do or say personally, we can remember to love them for their pain, to understand their reactions are connected to a lifetime or learning and being.

There are several types of personalities out there, and many more theories about how they behave, the ones that truly stood out to me are the following.

In personal relationships, there are 3 types of people says the author of the book "Conscious Living" Gay Hendricks.

The blamers

The super reasonable

The distracter

and then the combo platters he adds.

I found out I was in part a blamer, and in part a super reasonable. Always trying to explain rationally, where I was coming from, hoping the others would get it. Now I understand, that if I simply accept responsibility for my actions, eventually, the others will see where I am coming from. It might take them years or days, or another few lifetimes, and that is how people come in and out of our lives, the onces we end up seeing eye to eye at least a little bit, stay, and the other ones don't. And this is a good thing!

I realized at that point also, that I was dating a combo platter or the blamer and the distracter. This person would do anything possible to avoid having a real conversation about their feelings, and then proceeded to blame me for being sad, depressed, not being good enough, or whatever else. The reason I was so hurt and affected by his criticism, is because I believed him! I absorbed and accepted all the blame all the time. I believed I was a terrible person, even though I was trying my best, and being supportive.

Perhaps if I had loved myself more, or even understood myself more, I would have registered, that his complains about me, were really about himself. How all of mine, were really about myself!

The part that gets me the most is that he called me emotionally unstable, because "I felt too much too often" I believed this was true, I thought there was something wrong with me. Later, I understood, that because he was so hot and cold, one day nice, the other one closed off, I never really knew how he felt about me, and that is why I felt so unstable, guessing whether he loved me or not constantly, and not knowing if I even cared enough for myself.

My point here is not to blame anyone anymore, but just to point out some patterns we can all fall into and keep in mind to learn from.

I finally feel free. I finally feel better, when I am by myself, than when I am in a relationship. I am sure, eventually, I will want company again, but it will be much different.

I will never "need" of another to feel complete, and I will never be interested in dating someone who "needs" me to be everything they need to feel whole.

Let's be our own infinite source of LOVE! (because we don't have another option :) and so we can share that love with everyone around us, in a non-possessive, selfless way.

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